Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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