Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
