you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
