I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
