So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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