I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize