You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
