12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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