I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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