Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this just has baby written all over it
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
