guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
People in love make me want to vomit
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
