So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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