I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
