Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
