I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
