my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
