watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
