mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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