Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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