You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
