You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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