So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
