i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
