Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
