Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish you could order shots online.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
