you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
