There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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