2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
