apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
