His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
