watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
