He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
