So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
