So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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