He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
