You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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