i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
What a dumb baby whore.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
