Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i think i just lost a toe
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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