i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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