It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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