Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
