Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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