he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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