he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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