don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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