apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
