No stitches, just platelets and will power
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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