Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
