That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize