She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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