So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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