why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
