The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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