Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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