why didn't you poke me back
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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