Yo dont text me then not text me
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
