I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
