grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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