Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
