just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
