So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She bit a glass in half.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
